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The System is not made for me. Graduate students are not supposed to have families to care for, houses to clean, meals to prepare and clean up, or groceries to buy. They are not supposed to organize birthday parties, coordinate repairs, clean and sell a house, finish a basement, wash laundry, fold laundry, garden, or cut lawns. I need someone to do all these things for me. (*edit: Can I also add that this person must care for the physical and emotional health of all members of the family, including me? And let me tell you, grad students are Needy.)

Graduate students are supposed to read, research, think, discuss, write, present, read, research, think, etc ad infinitum. My job should be to go to school then come home and study in isolation, with occasional breaks for midnight rollerblading and Chinese takeout. It’s supposed to be a lot of work, but it’s supposed to be doable.

For some crazy reason, maybe because I managed an undergraduate degree with small children around, I thought I could do this too. It’s been an interesting month and a half — maybe because of the fun I’ve been having with family law court, police, children’s aid, and counsellors (could another agency possibly be interested in my life?). Somehow I think that even if my life were stable, with no drama or crises, it would still be too much to be a grad student and mother.

I met a 4th year student yesterday who is married, planning to do the MA next year. He’s only a few years younger than me — in his early 30s. His wife lives one and a half hours away, he has an apartment here… he has a kid that doesn’t live with him and she has 3 kids — but they’re her kids, not his. Because they are her kids, according to their arrangement, there’s no need for him to be there. He’s focused on one part of his life — school.

I don’t have that option. My identities are completely interlocked. I’m not a student from 9-5 and a mother from 5-9 and a partner from 9-midnight. I cannot separate out one piece of my self and put the rest on pause or say they are insignificant or disposable. I am all of me. Like it says in my bio on this site: I am a feminist-activist-artist-geek-parent-student. I am all of these things at once. I can do what I do because of all of these things. The skills that I have, the insight that I bring, I bring because of these multi-dimensions.

Alas, the Institution of Academia is not made for real people. To receive funding I must be a full-time student. The perception is that unless I am full-time, I am not a serious researcher, that maybe I have a job somewhere. Maybe it’s time (or past time) for Academia to realize that there are other responsibilities in a person’s life and that these other things do not preclude people from making contributions to the Academy.

As long as the system runs as is, the only people in academia will be the ones that fit the mold: young people, no family responsibilities, no primary childcare responsibilities. Hmmm sound familiar? This is going to be a problem because more and more people want undergraduate degrees and there aren’t enough good teachers to fill the roles. By excluding a woman like me from academia, a good potential educator and researcher is lost. There has got to be a change. Maybe more distance education options, maybe a part-time option with funding. It’s sad to think I may have to give this up because the logistics are beyond me.

Because I had a hard time finding this information I decided to post it here for others.

The Green Party Candidate for next week’s provincial election is Jason Haney. His website is here.

Greens have policy statements on climate change, energy, income support, health, education, and local sustainability. I’m pretty sold on the position of one publicly funded education system for all children, but the focus on preventative health is a strong sell for me too.

There are links on the site to some Youtube videos like the one below.

Learn more about the Greens at www.gpo.ca.

My daughter should be home by 4:30 p.m. today. Today the judge ordered her father to return her to me. He was found in contempt of court and read the riot act.

What a relief. It’s been a week and a half since he took her.

Every divorced parent’s nightmare is probably that their child goes for visitation with the other parent and never comes back again.

I never thought it would happen to me. But it did.

My daughter went for the weekend with her dad, didn’t go to her aikido class, hasn’t been to school all week, and didn’t come home again.

The police say it’s not a criminal act, to contact my lawyer, to get to court. If there’s nothing criminal they don’t get involved.

I cannot believe that violating a court order is not a criminal act. Isn’t this kidnapping? My middle son cried in bed last night missing his sister. Thankfully the boys are safe here with me.

The school is recording her absences and will contact the attendance counsellor sooner or later — but how long does she have to miss school before someone will do something?

He’s been served, told to return her immediately…an urgent motion for civil contempt is being brought before the court… but still my kid is not at home.

How can he think that this is a responsible parenting choice? A week of school, sneaking around, hiding at her grandparents’ house? Is this what he calls good parenting?

What good is a court order if it cannot be enforced?

I’m boggled by the system.

It must be some pony.

Canada’s most famous midwife (according to me at least),Gloria Lemay, wrote this sample letter in 2001 for families to share after the birth of a new baby. I don’t think she’d mind at all if you edited it to fit your family’s circumstances. The main point of it is that you please ask for help when you need it. It’s all part of mythbusting the incredible super-mommy-can-do-it-all agenda that mothers get coming at us from all directions.

And no, I’m not pregnant, nor have I any plans to be. The rural Ontario childbirth historiography I’m working on is putting me in contact with more of this kind of information than I’ve been near in the past few years and I thought this was important enough to share.

Postpartum support

-by Gloria Lemay

“Let me know if I can help you in any way when the baby is born.” … “Just let me know if you need a hand.” … “Anything I can do, just give me a call.”

Most pregnant women get these statements from friends and family but shy away from making requests when they are up to their ears in dirty laundry, unmade beds, dust bunnies and countertops crowded with dirty dishes. The myth of “I’m fine, I’m doing great, new motherhood is wonderful, I can cope and my husband is the Rock of Gibraltar” is pervasive in postpartum land.

If you’re too shy to ask for help and make straight requests of people, I suggest sending the following list out to your friends and family. These are the things I have found to be missing in every house with a new baby. It’s actually easy and fun for outsiders to remedy these problems for the new parents but there seems to be a lot of confusion about what’s wanted and needed..

1. Buy us toilet paper, milk and beautiful whole grain bread.
2. Buy us a new garbage can with a swing top lid and 6 pairs of black cotton underpants (women’s size____).
3. Make us a big supper salad with feta cheese, black calamata olives, toasted almonds, organic green crispy things and a nice homemade dressing on the side. Drop it off and leave right away. Or- buy us a frozen lasagna, garlic bread, a bag of salad, a big jug of juice, and maybe some cookies to have for dessert. Drop it off and leave right away.
4. Come over about 2 in the afternoon, hold the baby while I have a hot shower, put me to bed with the baby and then fold all the piles of laundry that have been dumped on the couch, beds or in the room corners. If there’s no laundry to fold yet, do some.
5. Come over at l0 a.m., make me eggs, toast and a 1/2 grapefruit. Clean my fridge and throw out everything you are in doubt about. Don’t ask me about anything, just use your best judgement.
6. Put a sign on my door saying “Dear Friends and Family, Mom and baby need extra rest right now. Please come back in 7 days but phone first. All donations of casserole dinners would be most welcome. Thank you for caring about this family.”
7. Come over in your work clothes and vacuum and dust my house and then leave quietly. It’s tiring for me to chat and have tea with visitors but it will renew my soul to get some rest knowing I will wake up to clean, organized space.
8. Take my older kids for a really fun-filled afternoon to a park, zoo or Science World and feed them healthy food.
9. Come over and give my husband a two hour break so he can go to a coffee shop, pub, hockey rink or some other r & r that will delight him. Fold more laundry.
10. Make me a giant pot of vegetable soup and clean the kitchen completely afterwards. Take a big garbage bag and empty every trash basket in the house and reline with fresh bags.

These are the kindnesses that new families remember and appreciate forever. It’s easy to spend money on gifts but the things that really make a difference are the services for the body and soul described above. Most of your friends and family members don’t know what they can do that won’t be an intrusion. They also can’t devote 40 hours to supporting you but they would be thrilled to devote 4 hours. If you let 10 people help you out for 4 hrs., you will have the 40 hours of rested, adult support you really need with a newborn in the house. There’s magic in the little prayer “I need help.”

Gloria Lemay, Vancouver, BC Canada 604 737 7063 August 2001

Needless to say, I had a bad experience after my third child was born, where I wish I’d asked for help instead of trying to entertain visitors. If I were doing it again I’d be a lot more assertive. I think.

Please note: This post is not meant to criticize or offend anyone who has experienced a death of friend of family and has had to make these decisions. It’s only intent is to bring attention to a practice that seems to me to go unquestioned, when there may be other, viable alternatives worthy of consideration.

There is an increasing trend for places to be owned, to be attached to names, to be logo-fied. At the university of Windsor we don’t just have a student centre, we have the “CAW Student Centre”. The buildings include the Toldo Building, The Jackman Centre for Dramatic Arts, Chrysler Tower, Chrysler Halls North & South — these are the names of local funders, who’ve made donations to the university. In the community, parks and greenspaces follow the trend too. People own property and build fences to keep others out. It carries on throughout life, until the ultimate in real estate ownership: a graveyard plot and tombstone, yours forever.

I’ve been telling people around me for years that I want to be cremated when I die and I’ve recently realized I don’t want to be responsible for using up even more land after I die. I don’t want to be tied (figuratively since I’ll be ashes) or have my memory tied to a single geographic location. When I’m done with my body, burn it up so it’s certain I’m dead (irrational fear of premature burial, thank you Edgar Allen Poe) and use me as compost to plant something — or else sprinkle me in a favourite place. I’m planning on living a good many more years so I’m not quite sure where that favourite place is yet.

Original photo: Crossover by Gemma Grace

I definitely know I don’t want any deadland. I feel no draw to the cemeteries where my grandparents are buried. I do feel drawn to the houses where they lived and where I visited them, to the things of theirs that I use in my home or have hanging on my walls or sitting on my shelves — these are the places and things that remind me of them. When I’m telling my children stories about them and their lives we look at these treasures. There is nothing for me at the cemetery.

I do wonder at the amount of money that people spend on tombstones and plots and upkeep (not to mention caskets) and I wonder how it came to be that this is now the standard in our society — that people have accepted this as “what must be done” when someone dies. I wonder what those spaces would look like without the markers — if every marker were instead a tree would we still have air quality problems here? Is it that people fear being forgotten? That without the stone there is nothing to remind the living that they even existed? Or is it the living that want the stone and land? To make the act of remembering a physical exercise (go to the cemetery) instead of an emotional/intellectual one (talk about the dead, think about them, etc)? or is it something I just don’t understand?

I’d rather invest in my family and community now, and leave the space for the living — not because I have a need to be remembered, but because I can’t rationalize consuming resources after I’m dead. I just won’t be needing them.

I’ve been meaning to go for months but it never worked out until today. This morning I went there for tea with my friend Lisa. I also had a “texture” cookie, all full of raisins, seeds, apple and yummy goodness and the desserts are vegan (even the choco-chip cookies — only place in Windsor with a variety for vegans as far as I know).

The place is really special: you choose your own teacup from a beautiful shelf full of one-of-a-kind cups, the walls are covered with gorgeous cloths and artwork. You choose your tea from a book full of samples where each page has a description and sample of the dry tea ingredients. They are also licensed and serve espresso and sandwiches. The neighbourhood is calm and there’s an outdoor patio area. Tomorrow I want to go back for the live performance by local artist Ron Leary.

What a treasure — I just wish I’d made it there sooner.

Where to find them:
Taloola Cafe
396 Devonshire Road,
Windsor, ON N8Y 2L4
519-254-6652

I live in Ontario. As much as I am able to choose, I drink Ontario wine, made from grapes grown in Ontario.

I live about an hour north of Pelee Island. I live about three hours south-west of the Niagara Escarpment. Between these two regions there are many wines to choose from. I’m lucky about this. If I lived somewhere else I might not have this many choices.

I make this choice because I don’t want to contribute to the consumption of fossil fuels by drinking wine that’s traveled great distances. I also don’t want to drink wine that contains grapes from far away places. Not only does this contribute to the environmental problem, but it also is a contributing factor in homogenizing the world’s wine. If Ontario wine contains grapes from Italy, then the difference between Ontario and Italian wine blurs. Vintners become transnational companies and diversity of flavours disappears. Grape growers in Ontario have established the VQA designation to make this easier for me: only Ontario

When I was in British Columbia for Northern Voice I had great BC wine, and when I travel other places someday I will try their regional wine.

Small choices do make a difference.

It’s all about perspective. My kids got a map in mail, a map of the area a bit north of here with points of interest marked to encourage daytripping over the summer. It’s a cool map with great photos of marinas, wetlands, artwork, theatres, kayaking, scuba diving, lighthouses — lots of different categories so that everyone is likely to find something that they’d want to do. It’s published by a new (to me anyway) organization called Waterfront Trail, a registered charity “committed to the completion, enhancement, and promotion of the [Lake Ontario] Waterfront Trail and Greenway.” I was browsing it while taking a water break from gardening.

I’ve always been a stickler for appropriate use of icons. They should be meaningful, clear, easy to interpret, simple, scalable, and non-discriminatory. Looking at this map I thought about “history” and how through my studies of social history, women’s history, history of technology, etc, I’ve really broadened my understanding of the field of history.

There are many records of our histories. Cookbooks, diaries, storybooks, medical charts, songs, clothing, artwork — these all tell stories of our past. History is more than just the records of battles, leaders, and number of wounded. In fact, this information doesn’t really give us information about how people lived. We should not neglect the histories of the many people who were not soldiers, and remember that these people also had full lives outside of who was killing who when. We can also study people who lived their lives in city or country or both (and why they moved), about how they fed themselves, how they grew up, how they grew old, how they celebrated, how they grieved — these pieces of history are rich.

This is how I think of history and how I will study it when I start the MA history program this fall. This is why I was surprised to see that historical places on the Waterfront map are represented by an icon with a cannon. I don’t think the acceptance of social histories in academia has made it that far into the general population just yet. It is just as relevant (and for most people probably much more engaging) when we consider the lived experiences of our histories. There are more and more historical fiction novels for kids (Dear Canada, and Royal Diaries come to mind. Maybe as these become more popular the next generation will grow up thinking history is more than war.

I got this today from the Women’s Studies department. Looks like an interesting summer position, but too far away for me. Could be a great opportunity for a geeky feminist if you live in Toronto and are still looking for a job.

Communications Assistant (Summer Student)

Employer: National Action Committee on the Status of Women (NAC)
Job term: Contract, Full-time
Location: Toronto, ON

The National Action Committee on the Status of Women (NAC) is a non-profit/non-governmental organization that has been working to ensure the full equality rights of women and girls in all their diversity for 35 years.

Job Summary

NAC is presently seeking a vibrant student to work as a Communications Assistant to work in our National Office. The student will provide support and assistance in research, project development, facilitation and coordination of NAC seasonal initiatives and activities.

Responsibilities:

Communications

• Assist in regular website maintenance. Compile and distribute electronic newsletters.
• Assist to design and implement new strategies.

Membership

• Assist in the processing of membership requests and to do specific follow-up with group and individual members on various issues.

Special Projects

• Could involve but is not limited to: detailed policy research, project management and development, grant writing assistance, design, selected writing, special event coordination and implementing new administrative procedures.

Office administration

• Administrative support to the Executive Coordinator: could include research, organizing meetings, helping to liaise with committees.

Qualifications

The qualified candidate for this position will be someone who has a strong research and analysis skills-set, advanced effective research and effective written and oral communication skills, strong inter-personal abilities and has a strong interest and/or academic background in women’s studies or any of the social sciences.

In particular, we are looking for someone who:

• Is a university or community college student; must have finished the school year and intend to return to school in September.
• Has advanced computer and Internet literacy, including online research experience.
• Has excellent written, verbal and telephone communication skills.
• Is well organized, able to work independently and collectively.
• Thrives in a small, open-concept office space.
• Demonstrates the capacity to respond quickly to emerging priorities.
• Demonstrates good trouble-shooting abilities, flexibility and creativity.
• Has experience in and enthusiasm for women’s issues, community development and/or community-based researchc
• Basic web site development skills are an asset.
• Knowledge of written and spoken French is a definite asset.

Contract Details: The contract is for full-time (30 hours/week) for a maximum of 12 weeks at $10 per hour.
Deadline for applications no later than NOON June 4, 2007.

Interested candidates are invited to submit a current CV and cover letter via email to:
Enisone Kadiri, Executive Coordinator, NAC-CCA
Email: enisone.kadiri@nac-cca.ca

No faxes or phone calls please. While we thank all candidates for their interest, only those short-listed will be contacted.

NAC works from an anti-oppression framework and maintains feminist principles. We are committed to diversity and equitable opportunity; as such, we encourage applications from traditionally marginalized communities. Our place of work is wheelchair accessible.

*Funding for this position is provided, in part, by the Summer Career Placements program of Human Resources and Social Development Canada (HRSDC).*