femilicious.com

I first discovered Smileage at BlogHer 2007 in Chicago. I’m not sure where I picked it up or who put it there, but I came home with a tube of it in my swag bag. I have dry and sensitive skin and have tried a lot of different lotions, creams, and lip balms and I know a good one when I find it. And it’s 95% organic and has a great name too. I loved my Smileage.

But about six weeks ago I lost it. I always kept it in the same spot and never put it anywhere else. For over six months it was always exactly where it was supposed to be. /sigh/ Well, it tumbled out of my purse when I was driving on that fateful night six weeks ago but I’m sure that when I picked it up I put it right back in it’s pocket. I guess I didn’t. Or it fell out again. or something. ’cause it was gone.

I whined. I cried. I went back to my old lip balms…which all now sucked because they were old and they weren’t as perfect and they just didn’t feel like the Smileage. I searched online and found out how expensive they are (10$ each!) and that they don’t even sell it in Ontario. I found a couple of places in Michigan but nowhere near anyone I know and the shipping charges for online ordering were half the price of the lip balm. I resolved to being sad forever.

But then. Valentine’s Day. Rob surprised me with the best Valentine ever: 2 tubes of Smileage! I was shocked – thrilled – astounded – and my lips were so happy to be all soft and balmy again.

Now it needs to last forever because you see, I’ve discovered that my smileage is directly linked to my Smileage. As long as I have some I should be happy forever. :)

We went to the pool last weekend. My daughter has always been a fish. She’s been swimming since she was an infant and has always loved it. I don’t think I ever taught her to go underwater, she just always could. She wowed the lifeguards with her butterfly stroke and I just wondered where she ever learned that and when did she get so strong?

My youngest decided he was going to learn to dive. He’s a decent swimmer — but better underwater than above. He’s so skinny that he doesn’t float very well. He set himself up on the side of the pool and tipped forward — a lovely beginner’s dive. He then walked around the pool and after just a little bit of encouragement jumped off the diving board. He was so proud (so was I) — and his older brother was jealous!

Moments later the middle one was on the edge of the pool, trying to convince himself to dive in. He was scared but didn’t want his little brother to be able to do something he couldn’t! Watching his brother going into the water head first just a few more times was all it took. Within fifteen minutes they looked like they’d been doing it all their lives.

As tough as life is, I have to remember that these are amazing kids. They are strong and healthy and can do incredible things. That makes me pretty lucky.

I have been collecting frames for the past two years or so. When I see a cheap or clearance frame I buy it and stash it away because framed photos make great gifts and because I’ve always wanted a home with treasured photos hung all around. I did that a little bit at my old house before we moved this summer but this past weekend was a photo marathon. I sorted through hundreds of photos, picking out my top favourites. I printed out about 30 of these and now they are hanging all over the place around the upstairs here at Rob’s.

Some are from our trip to Venice Beach a few years ago. We stayed in nearby Marina del Rey when we went to E3 in 2005. Hanging up the pictures of that and the Santa Monica pier at night bring it all back. There’s also a photo from Catalina Island near where we went snorkelling. That was a different trip — for E3 2006.

On another wall are photos from Vancouver, Pelee Island, and someplace in farm country between Windsor and Wasaga Beach. The trip to Vancouver was for NorthernVoice/Moosecamp 2007, Pelee Island was for beginning work in the archives there related to my history research project, and the farm is from the trip home from our two-family vacation this past summer.

In the kitchen there’s a picture of budding echinacea from a garden in Scarbourough where my dear friends Karen & Mitch live. There’s a picture of my grandparents’ Pelee farm that I have yet to hang.

Tucked in a collage frame is a small picture of me. Apple picking with two of my own children and a friend’s daughter, before my third baby was born. I am part of all of this too.

I’ve got one or two hanging frames left but I have some standing frames that I will probably adapt for hanging on the wall. It makes my heart sing to see all these wonderful things that I’ve done, all the wonderful places that I’ve been. It reminds me that I want more experiences like these in my life and that a goal of living is to do the things you enjoy.

It’s been a frustration of mine that so many digital photos sit on hard-drives, gathering virtual dust: unloved, unshared, un-experienced. Hanging the pictures on the walls opens conversations with friends and family about travel, adventure, people, other family, other friends, and all of our histories. It reflects who we are: the people that live here have identities and we can share that via what we choose to show on our walls.

A la Judith Butler, we communicate who we are through our representations of ourselves. I am more than a blank wall – I am Pelee Island, Vancouver, Venice; a boat, a barn, a bike. I am my children, my lover, my garden, my friends. I am me.

I’ve switched from snacking on m&m’s to jumbo organic raisins. I figure the sugar rush is the same (and should help me stay awake) but at least with the raisins I’m getting some iron. If I’m so low on energy the extra iron might help me feel more energized. I also found a coupon for a free trial at a fitness centre. I’m waiting for a call back to make an appointment for a tour.

I’ve realized that I really need to get un-depressed. And that all the ideas I have cost money. That money could go three ways:

• to a counsellor
• to a housekeeper
• to a fitness centre

It takes time to find a good counsellor and I don’t have time. And dealing with problems, as much fun as that is (not), forces you to think about those problems. I’m not interested.

The housekeeper idea is really, really, really tempting. I can pay someone to do the things I cannot manage and this would free up the time I would spend doing them, thinking about doing them, planning to do them, and remembering I didn’t do them yet. And I would have a shiny bathroom and clean floors at least once each week. See how this is tempting? But I’m really not in a position where I feel I can afford this type of luxury. Nobody learns any valuable housekeeping skills or the value of pitching in. I don’t think I’m ready to give up on my family yet.

So that leaves exercising. I don’t think I was this depressed when I was dancing and teaching 3+ days each week. That was about one and a half years ago. I felt good, I looked good, I felt good about myself. This is not how I feel lately. I feel worn out: physically and emotionally. I feel gross. Tired. I’m depressed. It seeps into everything I do, all my relationships, all my activities. I’m sure people around me are tired of it.

I’ve found a gym that’s not too far away that is open 24 hours. (I cannot believe that grad students at Windsor don’t get access to the facilities on campus.) This other gym I’ve found has a variety of classes at a variety of times. I know aerobics is different from ballet or swing dancing but it’s what I’ve found. There is yoga and pilates which I’ve studied as a dancer so I know I like these already. I’d prefer a dance class but there isn’t one available on a night I can attend. I need something with a flexible schedule and I think this is worth a try. If I have somewhere to go, something to do (besides schoolwork) it might motivate me to keep going afterwards and get my academic career back on track.

And if I’m energized enough I might be able to look at housework without being overwhelmed. And if I feel better about myself maybe I won’t need counselling after all.

It’s worth a try at least. It could be just the solution to All My Problems.

Now I just hope that phone call comes before I change my mind.

On a magic birthday your wish gets extra power points. My kid deserves it — he’s sick home from school for the third day in a row.

Just think: to be turning seven on the seventh day of the month in the seventh year of the century? It doesn’t get much cooler than this!

image (CC) by Mermaniac

My daughter came home last night. I have to wonder if maybe I’ve saved her life.

I know too many kids whose families are divorced. They found living with one parent too difficult and either left or got thrown out and sent to live with the other parent. Of course it was only ever a matter of time before things got rough there and the kid is faced with going back to the first parent (if they’ll even have them back) and the alternative of setting out on their own, running away, moving in with someone they shouldn’t, or the unknown. The kids who bounced from one parent to another to a grandparent always described feeling alone, lost, like no one cared. I don’t want my daughter to ever feel that way.

So even though we’re in a tough place now, my daughter knows I love her. She knows I want her. I haven’t given up on her, sent her to live with her father, put her in foster care, or chosen one of the many other options I was presented with over the past week. I want her here.

I’m sad that she’s so unhappy, but with the team of professionals that is assembling, we’re going to do our best to see that she doesn’t slip into an unsalvageable disaster of a life. It’s hard when you see someone with so many talents, so much potential, just throwing it away.

I’m looking at the longterm, and I guess that’s both the joy and the burden of parenting. I have to think about what’s best for her longterm, what will give her the best opportunities in life, and not just what will make her smile today, in the short term. Parenting is more than ice cream and Lego. It’s also about hard and unpopular decisions, like moving to a better school district, toothbrushing, and dark green leafy vegetables. As her parent, I have to consider her future, and not to dragged down by her teen angst.

My daughter should be home by 4:30 p.m. today. Today the judge ordered her father to return her to me. He was found in contempt of court and read the riot act.

What a relief. It’s been a week and a half since he took her.

Today is graduation day. I’ve enlisted the help of friends to help gather my children from the 3 different places from which they will come for the ceremony. One is at a track meet, participating in the last event of the day. My friend will wait for him to run his race and then bring him to the ceremony. If all goes well he’ll make it just in time. I have wonderful friends. Rob will chauffeur the gang to the university so that my parents will not have to walk in the heat. Afterwards we’ll have Chinese takeout, gift of my mother. Sounds like a great day.

I’ve just come from picking up my gown. It’s an awfully awkward concoction and so I looked for some pictures from past graduations to see how it’s supposed to go together. I found this pic and can see that indeed it is an odd design that doesn’t seem to sit right on any of these people, except maybe the man on the left with the yellow tie. I don’t understand why the floppy part (hood?) is falling off everyone and that no one has ever noticed or tried to improve the design. I’m going prepared with a pile of safety pins. For the money and effort I’ve spent on the degree, I expected a little more. Who wants to be all falling out of their clothes?

Reflecting back to other graduation days, I can’t help but think of BtVS: Buffy the Vampire Slayer and her high school graduation at the end of Season 3.

What a mess that turned out to be! Monsters, demons, zombies, and a vicious mayor… and somehow Buffy got the entire class together to fight them all and win. What an awesome gal.

I’ll do my best today to block out the other things on my mind these days: dealing with an ex-husband-lunatic, navigating new relationships with old friends, trying to sort out what I want to do with my life now that this stage is over. Vampire slaying seems so straightforward — all you have to do is do it (oh and survive I guess). I understand the burden, but today I envy the simplicity. I’ve learned so much from Buffy, including how to prepare for graduation: I’ll have a wooden stake hidden in my sleeve and the kids will have a crossbow each, just in case we’re visited by the undead. Bring it on!

I’ve been meaning to go for months but it never worked out until today. This morning I went there for tea with my friend Lisa. I also had a “texture” cookie, all full of raisins, seeds, apple and yummy goodness and the desserts are vegan (even the choco-chip cookies — only place in Windsor with a variety for vegans as far as I know).

The place is really special: you choose your own teacup from a beautiful shelf full of one-of-a-kind cups, the walls are covered with gorgeous cloths and artwork. You choose your tea from a book full of samples where each page has a description and sample of the dry tea ingredients. They are also licensed and serve espresso and sandwiches. The neighbourhood is calm and there’s an outdoor patio area. Tomorrow I want to go back for the live performance by local artist Ron Leary.

What a treasure — I just wish I’d made it there sooner.

Where to find them:
Taloola Cafe
396 Devonshire Road,
Windsor, ON N8Y 2L4
519-254-6652

Rob and I have been working on the house. When we’re finished what we have planned I’ll be loading up, distributing the duplicate stuff, and relocating 10 minutes up the street. A blended family! I’m pretty excited. It’s a lot of work but it’s all fun.

Today when I went to a friend’s house to reformat her old computer she offered me/us a tree: it’s a Kentucky Coffeetree. Windsor-Essex County is the northernmost limit of its range. It’s a native species but they are rare. There’s a male and female of the species and if they aren’t planted close enough together they don’t make any babies.

My friend knew we’d been talking about trees (what kind we like, where to put it, when to do it). I am especially eager for some shade so that the kids can get outside this summer. It’s a newish neighbourhood and although the city has been around planting a young tree on each lot there’s a need for many, many more trees in that part of the city. I grew up in the country surrounded by trees. My parents planted more trees every year and they have hundreds on the one acre property they own. I know that it takes time for a tree to establish itself and get some shade going so choosing to plant sooner rather than later is not trivial. But still, it’s Rob’s place and even if I feel okay planting some flowers or doing something small it’s a very big deal all this navigating sharing space. Digging a hole and sticking a tree in it should be a joint adventure. The gift of this tree just speeds us up on the inevitable.

The special thing about this tree is that it was a seedling that my friend and her partner gave out at their wedding ten years ago. It’s moved several times and was about to be cut down. The person who’d received it at the wedding has moved out of province and the new people don’t like trees. At my place I already have a Hackberry tree rescued from the same plight, also from the same wedding and it is beautiful. It’s been here for 6 years now and it’s tall and healthy and gives lots of shade. I hope the Kentucky Coffeetree will be as happy at Rob’s place as the Hackberry is here.