femilicious.com

Warning: contains sensitive material.

When I was sixteen my boyfriend raped me. It was my first sexual experience. Before this I was completely ignorant: I did not know about penises, or erections, or sexual pleasure. I was taught as a young girl to always wear clean underwear and never take them off. As a girl I was not prepared for menstruation and even after I was not taught how to manage my blood. I quit ballet shortly after menarche because I could not figure out how to keep a rolled up wad of toilet paper in the right place at the right time of month. It was a tragic thing for me to quit dancing. It was many years before I was able to return to serious study and I am sure it was the beginning of associating my body with misery.

I did not deal well with the rape. My boyfriend did not understand that I had tried to make him stop. Yes I kept seeing him or whatever you want to call it. He claimed to not have heard me. It was a twisted, evil sort of relationship and I took the blame for this and all the other negative experiences of the relationship. I did not realize at the time how abusive it was. For some ridiculous reasons we ended up married a few months later. It was not until several years after we divorced that I realized that bodies could be used for pleasure –my body included. We had a very sexless marriage. Most years we skipped it.

After I had been divorced for a few years a friend encouraged me to begin dating again. I was not really interested in meeting men and considered that I might be a lesbian and that my life might be a lot easier in many ways if I was. For instance I would never have to be with another man. But since I did not really feel any more attraction to women than to men I doubted that this was the case. I decided to not think about it. I joined a free online matchmaker service.

I dated a few men and discovered a real fear of being touched. Meeting people online was safer. I could connect with someone intellectually without any pressure to engage sexually. But eventually people started wanting to meet in person. One man with whom I had developed a good online friendship tried to hold my hand towards the end of the date. It was a painful and emotional experience but began to show me that my previous experiences had been abnormal. It took over a year of dating different people before I could calmly go on a date without terror that someone might intrude into my personal space. I met someone special and the gradual (very gradual) development of our relationship allowed me to find a safe place where I was able to explore my sexuality both on my own and with a lover. Much of this is because we communicated sporadically online for months before we ever met in real life.

From time to time I still go back to being that scared young woman. I withdraw from my friends and responsibilities until it passes and I am able to return to the larger world. Many days I often think of myself as asexual but who knows if this may be because of the stress of single parenting, full-time school and too many part-time jobs. Sometimes the pressure to engage sexually is one pressure too much.

The dangers of online dating get a lot of attention but for many people it is a safe way to explore a world we are just not ready to face in real life. Without the privilege of being able to get online I do not think I would have been able to re-enter the world of personal intimate relationships.